The one that got away among other things

For years, I thought that my the one got away was this guy I dated briefly when I was in college. In my mind, we were perfect for each other because he was everything I ever wanted for a boyfriend but the timing was wrong so it did not happen. He didn't exactly tell me he liked me. I didn't exactly tell him I liked him ether. I wish I can say that we both knew how we felt for each other but we never did. I am not the one to assume or jump to conclusion that a guy likes me just by frequently talking to me or asking me out. I'm a little insensitive and unless you tell me upfront that you like me, I will never know because I will never assume. So I never found out. Despite numerous invites out with friends and probably some dates, I never found out if he liked me back as much as I liked him. I never told him but if he was just sensitive enough, he probably knew. We stopped going out for inevitable reasons that i myself wish had control of but my emotions were always too scattered and all over the place that it was also hard for me to understand what I wanted so we stopped going out. No dramas. No anything. We just stopped going out like nothing happened. No heartbreak, no trying to move on. No real emotions were invested but I know that if only I (or anyone) was fragile enough to entertain those feelings, it would have hurt like being hit in the head with a hammer. I'm glad I didn't. I know that if I ever let that happen, it would have hurt me a lot because i liked him a lot.

Yesterday, I realized that that guy was not after all my TOTGA (the one that got away). The feelings were probably too one sided. I know I liked him but I didn't know how he felt for me. There were hints that might probably lead me to thinking that he liked me too but that would probably be assuming too much. It was unfair to him for me to assume something like that.

There's this close friend of mine whom I was so close to that it never occurred to me how compatible we were until yesterday.We were so compatible that it was probably hard for you to think that we weren't an item if you saw us together. Now I understand why our then boy/girlfriends would be so jealous of us and it was because the chemistry was undeniable and it will probably be too tiring to explain why we clicked but we just did. Writing this now kinda hurts my heart a teeny weeny bit. Like someone pinched my heart but not enough to give that much attention but the feeling is just there. I cant even think straight now that I think about it. You know how when you want to write about something and it was perfectly written in your mind how you want to type out the words to explain your feelings but when it's time to type it out the brain just go blank.

Maybe I'll write about this again when my mind feels less pressured. Maybe not. Probably not than yes but whatever. We were perfect for each other but we both got away from each other. This time we both knew what we meant to each other and maybe we were afraid to ruin what we had so we just let each other go because we chose the friendship over the idea of love.

Three years later, I realized that we would have been a perfect good match. The compatibility, you can not hide. It was just there. From what we liked, what we believed in, how we saw things, how we did things, where we went, how we felt, what we believed a perfect relationship was like etc etc. I know what he wanted and I can't say that I was perfect but I would've been.

He said not then but maybe next time. But maybe next time is not even an option anymore. The thought is not even worth entertaining anymore and that's that's where I realized why some relationships just don't work. Because people grow and they just don't fit anymore. Like an old favorite pants that you can't stop wearing until it won't fit anymore. Whatever you do, they just don't fit anymore.

People grow. People outgrow each other. People change because change is inevitable. What we liked before may not be what we like now. What was perfect for us then may not be perfect for us now. As people grow, we change and the only people who stays in our life are those people who loves us unconditionally, change or no change. Those who are willing to accept us despite everything. And this, my friend, is also why relationships break because we have expectations from who we want to be with and we find this person fall into mutual admiration with them and fall in love until one person changes and the other gets frustrated and they fall out of love with each other because they no longer fit the perceived expectation from the other person. (TO BE CONTINUED)

Not all relationships are meant to last forever. Lucky for those who found the one from their first relationship but if you are one of those people like me who got no luck, don't worry, you are not alone. We all feel you.

I'm single and I can't be any happier about it. I kind of cringe a little bit whenever I see people in a relationship especially those in long term relationships. I'm sorry to sound bitter or sound like a bitch but it's just that my idea of a perfect relationship just didn't match with my past relationships. The past 2 relationships I've been to was no different from each other. It's bad to badmouth an ex but I'm not writing to bad mouth them. I'm just writing to express and take off the load off myself. Probably move on from and learn from past relationships. One day, I will look back, read all these and hopefully learn from this.

(The writer is currently experiencing mental block.Please comprehend.)